Friday, May 1, 2015



I hate pain

I hate the kind of pain that doubles you over, or causes a leg to collapse under you, or causes you to drop what you have in your hands. 

The kind of pain that freezes the body, mid-step, mid-movement, that locks the muscles in agony and won't let go.

The kind of pain that causes the vision to blur, to jerk about, to double, to go black or go bright white, or blind or suddenly explode with brilliant stars. 

The kind of pain that drops you to the ground.

The kind of pain that causes the guts to cramp and threaten to purge; sometimes it's a race to the toilet not knowing which end will burst forth first. 

The kind of sudden burning pain that makes knowing where a toilet is of upmost importance.

Pain that causes the mind to crawl away making thinking impossible. 

Pain that causes you to hear someone curse, or whimper, to cry out, even beg- only to realize that that someone is yourself.

Pain that causes you to hold your breathe without your knowing until the lungs start to burn and the world spins. I truly hate that kind of pain. 

Pain that causes you to want to gnaw off body parts, to bang your head against something hard until unconsciousness results.

Pain that over the counter pain meds barely touch unless I take so much that I risk overdose issues; pain that requires more than doctors are willing to provide the means to calm enough for the mind to ignore.

Pain that aches, twists, stabs, pulls, burns, tears, cramps, cuts, or throbs.

Pain that is sharp, or dull, or deep, or piercing, or grinding, or crushing.

Pain that more than just annoys, that can be ignorable; pain that stops everything.

Pain that is frightening, at times even terrifying in it's power. I hate that pain.

Pain that stops me in my tracks.

Pain that takes my voice away.

Pain that refuses to let me move.

Pain the hits suddenly or creeps up slowly only to be beyond simple relief by the time you notice it is there.

Pain that blocks all thoughts past gaining relief.

Pain that removes all joy, all hope.

Pain that removes all colour from sight but shades of grey and black.

Pain that makes me a prisoner in my own body, a very small prison cell indeed.

If I could choose only one thing to remove from my health/body woes, that one thing would be...


Oh, Sunbeam

Oh Sunbeam, where did you go? 
You were here but a moment ago. 

Golden warmth shining on my garden patch bringing a smile into my heart. 
The day does darken as the sky goes grey. 

Oh Sunbeam, already I miss you, don't go away.
 A break in the clouds brings you back to me for a minute or two. 

Please, can't you stay? 

Oh Sunbeam, in you I want to play in a bright and sunny and warm spring day.