Sunday, December 18, 2016

"Faking It" Through December

December 18th

Past the halfway mark of the month.
Days  now before Yule.
A week until the Christmas Day.
Two weeks until New Year's comes.
Such a fun time of the year!

But when you live in chronic pain,
In debility and woe
Forever outside looking in
Sitting by yourself, alone
One question the soul does send-
Whenever will December end?

"Fake It Until You Make It"
Pretend beyond the "Try".
"Fake It Until You Make It"
When "It" is but a lie.
"Fake It" that you are happy
does not "Make It" so.
"Fake It" that you are OK
just push the "it" down low.
"Fake It"- do the holiday things
when you know you shouldn't go.
"Fake It" does a "Failure" make
when you can't "Make It" So!

But we keep on trying
Pushing until we cry
Frustrated from the lying
Faking it when we try
When there is no way that we can.

'Fake it" that no memories come
Heart breaking that they may be
"Fake it" that we are having fun
When it is hard enough to be.
"Fake It" that we're not in pain
That sickness that we feel
"Fake It" that it's a Joyous Time
When to us it's far from real.

We count the days until it's done
Until it's past and gone.

But for the here and now-

Again we sit here all alone
No place is safe to hide
The world is what it is today
No hope now can we find.

But still we go to do my best
To "Fake It" we still try
To make the best of things we can
Our hurts we try to hide
"Fake it"- wear that social mask
"Fake it"- makes the fraud
"Fake it"- is a public face
To makes outsiders proud.

'Fake It" for the family
"Fake It" for the friends
"Fake It" for the public face
"Fake It" all around.

"Fake It 'Til You Make It"
Does Not Make It So
"Fake It "Til You Make It"
Can be the path to woe.

Soon we won't need to try it
January is on it's way
December will be in the past
We won't need to wear the mask
Each and every day.

Faking It through December
Is Exhausting!

Thanks to

Saturday, December 3, 2016

December- The Hardest Month of the Year

My least favourite month of the year.

The month with the greatest expectations.
The month with the most hype.
The month of the most pressure.
The month where family loss is most keenly felt.
The month where some are included in celebrations while others are left behind.
The month where abundance rejoices while hunger and want are felt the most acutely.
The month where there are reflection upon the past year are done.
The month that has the most dying by people who can't hold on any longer.

It's not the fault of the month itself.
It is just that all the bad stuff comes along with the good stuff.

Great expectations that can never be fulfilled.
Hype that feeds the expectations and rubs in the inability to fulfill them.
The pressure to meet the expectation that cannot be met- and the stress and grief that brings.
Family loss is felt most acutely at a time when family gatherings in joy are one of the month's themes.
Celebrations and gatherings all around while the outcasts are unwelcome to join in.
Hunger and want in the face of poverty and disaster while abundances are shoved in their faces hurts.
Reflections of a year drawing to a close for those in pain brings despair.
The dying's- people who have held on until the holidays to share them with loved ones, the road deaths, those who's grief and despair overwhelms them.

One great month is December.
From ancient times it has been a time of celebration.
The days of darkness reach their end and light begins it's return to the land- when you live on the north side of the planet. On the south side it is the end of ever lengthening days and is the start of the return of the darkness. If you live around the belly of the planet the days always stay the same.

But I live where the days grow short and cold.

Shut in, stressed, and grieving.

Try as I might to "cheer up",  and work at it I do,  every day as I endeavor to bring laughter and light to those who are hurting as much as I am, every day is harder than the last. Every day more stressful than the last, every day watching the needs grow and the resources diminish ever further. Every day being reminded of things that have happened in Decembers past that are loaded with great pain- even ptsd type pain. Every day seeing things I do not want to see, hear things that pain me to hear. Every day having to push harder to get through getting those things done that are needful to get done. Every day feeling alone as I spend most of the days in my room- alone. Every day feeling so much physical pain and sickness that doing anything at all is a struggle.

It is all that I can do to not dissolve in tears- give up- and die; Gladly and gratefully put an end to the pain and misery in the only way permanent that it can be done. To hang on one more day in the thin, vain hope that miracles can and do happen- while knowing full well that the odds are not in my favour on any of the stresses and pains lifting enough to make any difference at all and that things can always get worse unto death.

My least favourite month of the year has come once again.